Holding the Board Steady
Self-tracking, emotional discipline, and sovereign presence in the “chess game” of divorce
Divorce will try to make you messy. That’s the point. If you spiral, you spend money, lose credibility, and hand the other side your power on a silver platter. “Holding the board steady” is how you stop being their game piece and start running the game.
This isn’t about being calm all the time. It’s about containing your energy, choosing your move, and refusing to be baited. Read that again.
What “steady” actually looks like
Steady ≠ silent. You still speak, you just don’t leak.
Steady ≠ nice. You’re clear. Clean. Precise.
Steady ≠ passive. You act on timing, not on trigger.
Reaction is ego trying to get relief.
Response is strategy telling the truth with receipts.
Track yourself first (or lose your edge)
Most people try to track them. That’s fine. But if you’re not tracking you, you’re easy to play.
My rule: If I can predict my own tells, they can’t use them.
Common tells: over-explaining, late-night paragraphs, courtroom dramatics, “just one more motion,” doom-scrolling, trauma posting.
Daily Field Notes (5 minutes)
Body: tight chest / shallow breath / jaw?
State: calm, charged, or collapsed?
Trigger: what poked me? (money, custody, silence)
Move: wait / document / delegate / send the clean email
Proof: 1 screenshot, 1 date, 1 sentence (max)
Exit: breath x10, water, walk, close the tab
Because if you can’t track yourself, you’re just another unpredictable piece on the board. 😉
Time horizons for your own regulation
I don’t just forecast their motions, I forecast my nervous system.
6–7 months out: big arcs. What seasons/holidays/hearings spike me? What patterns repeat annually?
3–4 months out: prepare buffers (childcare, money, support calls) around likely spikes.
1 month out: tighten routines, pre-draft emails, pre-pack documents.
Current days: surgical. Sleep, water, briefings only. No late-night novels. No bait replies.
The 90-Second Reset (when the hook lands)
Name it: “My trigger is money control.”
Claim it: “I want relief. I don’t act for relief; I act for results.”
Flush it: 90 seconds of box breathing (4-4-4-4).
Choose it: Do I wait, document, delegate, or deliver?
If you can survive 90 seconds without reacting, you just protected three months of your life.
Courtroom presence: how judges actually read you
Posture: sit tall, shoulders down, chin neutral. Stillness reads as credibility.
Face: neutral mouth, soft eyes. No eye-rolls, no head shakes.
Speech: short, concrete, dated. No monologues.
Paper: one clean packet, tabs visible. Chaos is contagious, don’t bring it in.
You’re not just presenting evidence. You’re presenting yourself. This is different than timestamping evidence. It all goes hand in hand.
Boundary scripts (clean, not cute)
Use these verbatim. No extra sentences.
With the ex:
“I’ll discuss this through counsel. Please email any specifics.”
“I’m available to pick up at 5:00 per the order.”
With your attorney:
“What are my options, costs, and likely outcomes? Recommend one.”
“If it’s petty, advise against it. I’m playing the long-game.”
With family/friends:
“Thanks for caring. I’m only moving on facts and strategy.”
“Please don’t speak for me. Direct legal questions to me or my counsel.”
With yourself:
“I don’t text when I’m triggered.”
“If it isn’t in writing, it didn’t happen.”
The “Clean Email” format (copy/paste)
Subject: <One line, dated>
Body (4 lines max):
One sentence context with date.
One sentence request or clarification.
Attach 1–2 proofs (labelled).
One sentence next step / deadline.
If you can’t say it clean, you’re not ready to send it.
Emergency protocols (when it’s really bad)
60-minute rule: No replies within an hour of a trigger unless a child’s safety demands it.
3-person triangle: Attorney, one trusted friend (ahem, divorce strategist), and you. No committees.
Body first: protein + water + 5-minute walk. The brain needs oxygen to argue well.
Stop the spiral: screenshot → date → folder. That’s it. Close the app.
Red flags you’re losing the board
You’re explaining instead of evidencing.
You’re filing to feel better.
Your texts got longer and your proof got thinner.
You want to “win the story,” not the decision.
Course-correct: get quiet, get factual, get dated, get advice.
Ritual to close the day (2 minutes)
Hand on heart: “I moved with strategy today. Anything messy can wait.”
Delete drafts you shouldn’t send.
Write tomorrow’s one move on a sticky: Document / Decide / Delegate / Deliver.
Put your phone in another room. Sleep is strategy.
Final word
Holding the board steady doesn’t mean life is calm. It means you are.
Track yourself. Choose your timing. Tell the truth with receipts.
Let them perform; you’ll be here winning.
You’re not at their mercy anymore. You’re at the table. ♟️
